Dear Moped Driver,
I’m leaving this note in the timeless fashion of the Minnesotan passively, yet aggressively needling my way into a situation that upsets me only because I have never personally experienced any real injustice in the world.
Parking your gasoline powered vehicle on the bicycle rack is inappropriate. The rack is not structurally sound enough to support the weight of you jostling your heavy, motorized vehicle about it in order to cram it in between the other bicycles correctly locked to the facility provided. Bicyclists are really hard pressed for adequate parking, especially in the downtown area, and that is why this rack is usually VERY full. And, yes, the racks look pretty much the same on all three levels of the parking ramp. I understand you’re in a sort of a limbo between the automobile and the bicycle with your mode of foppish transport and may be unclear about where to park such a dandy of a ride. I suggest to the SIDE of the rack. There’s no real reason for you to lock directly to it. Just put a lock on your wheels, and VOILA! Bicycles NEED the rack as bicycles are MUCH lighter and easier to carry off than your motorized carriage. Admittedly, I would chuckle and nod if, in response, you pointed incredulously at some of the monstrosities parked on this rack that may just be as heavy and certainly are as ugly as yours. I agree, they are horrendous, but in lacking a combustion engine, they deserve this spot. (see: ugly mountain bikes. I mean… where ARE all these mountains in downtown anyway, am I right!?)
I might, also, suggest you just, as my grandmother would say, “Shit or git off the pot,” and just start riding a bicycle. She also used to tell us not to hold a donkey by the tail or we may suffer a “faster ‘n’ lightnin’ kick to the maw,” at which point she’d peel back her upper lip and pop her teeth right out at us. Oh, how we squealed with laughter laced with more than a bit of fear. Then, after chasing us around making donkey noises, she’d find us in the closet, hiding amongst her stash of some three cases or so of Hamm’s beer and give us a knowing look, pat us on the backsides, and send us out to play. I’m not really sure what life lesson we were supposed to learn from this, as none of us owned or operated donkeys. However, I did receive six stitches, once, after a drunken party-girl threw her shoe at my face. But, I digress… Back to getting you on a proper bicycle! I realize you may be worried that your skirt could get caught in the chain, and, my dear, that’s a valid worry. However, adding a chain guard to your bike ensures you’ll not have a care in the world with regard to your flapping attire. The added exercise will bring roses to your cheeks and make your gait light and fancy-free! The others in your office will marvel at your ability to stay smiling and trim, and we all know how badly you wish to show up those cunts in accounting. Also, the bicycle is FAR superior as an all-weather vehicle than a cockamamie Motor/Pedal bike, and I think you’ll be absolutely rhapsodic at the new-found freedom and sense of accomplishment that using your own muscles and gumption to get around can offer.
Swarthily,
Smarmy Marmalade, Resident Cyclist.
